Thursday, October 9, 2008

More Tales of the Veggie Avenger—The Saga of “Vegetables Fred”

The Veggie Avenger, our superhero of vegetarian superheroes, has lost his position as an elevator operator. (His boss gave some flimsy excuse about rudeness and body parts getting caught in the doors.) Desperately in need of money he takes a job as a waiter in one of Big City's swankiest restaurants. Clad in a tuxedo but still wearing his traditional white canvas tennis shoes, our hero feels a little out of place as he waits on his first customers– a middle-aged man and woman from the suburbs.

Man: What exactly is the Veal Oscar?

Veggie Avenger: Actually, Oscar was the name of the calf. We were all very fond of him. [He sniffles] We'll miss him a lot.

Man [taken aback]: Oh, I see. Well, how's the lamb tonight?

VA: He's dead too.

Man [losing patience]: Yes, I know that. I was referring to his...uh, its taste.

VA: Oh, not bad. He did have the one John Denver album, and for some reason he liked Sylvester Stallone movies. But other than that his taste was pretty good.

Man: Young man, you're joking with me.

VA [sincerely]: I swear I am.

Man [closing his menu]: Well, I'll just have the chicken.

VA: Chickens.

Man: Pardon?

VA: Chickens. They're individuals, you know.

The man becomes angry and gets up to leave. The Veggie Avenger fears he may have gone too far. If these customers walk out he's in danger of losing his new job before it starts, and he's already spent his first week's salary on a new bowling shirt.

VA: Please don't leave! Listen we have a terrific special tonight. We call it... uh... Vegetables Fred. It's a mixed vegetable grill sautéed in olive oil with capers and pine nuts. We serve it with fresh snow peas, red peppers with dill sauce and a tomato stuffed with wild rice. It's much tastier than some boring piece of meat, and I guarantee it's cholesterol free!

Woman [to husband]: You should watch your cholesterol.

VA: It's also five dollars cheaper than anything else on the menu.

Man [smiling now]: Actually, that does sound pretty good... Okay, I'll go with it.

[The woman nods her approval.]

The Veggie Avenger walks back to the kitchen gloating over his victory. These were his very first customers, and he's talked them into ordering vegetarian. What charm, he thinks. What savoir-faire! Only one thing worries him. How in the world is he going to talk the chef into cooking Vegetables Fred?


The Veggie Avenger's Code

The Veggie Avenger vows to fight tirelessly for truth, justice and the Vegetarian Way, and to do his best not to get arrested, beat up, or run out of beer in the process.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Capons? Really good with artichoke hearts. Capons?