Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Veggie Avenger Spends a Holiday at Mom’s House

Just when you thought you were safe, we return to the adventures of the Veggie Avenger, our vegetarian superhero of superheroes, with a look at how the tactless spend their holidays.

The Veggie Avenger is at home feeding his pet turtle Sammy when the phone rings. It's his mother.


"Yes, mother." He hates it when she calls him that.

"We're having Thanksgiving supper dear. Your Uncle Lou and his family will be here."


"So I expect you to come."

The Veggie Avenger gives Sammy the international symbol for gag me with a backhoe. "We went through this last year mother," he shouts into the phone. "I don't want any part of your vicious, death-mongering holiday celebrations!"

"That's fine dear," his mother says politely. "We'll expect you on Thursday at 2:00."

On the appointed day our hero reluctantly shows up at his mother's house. Uncle Lou is there with his wife and their pubescent twin girls Sharon and Cheryl. The girls giggle hysterically every time they look at the Veggie Avenger. Then, while Lou carves the turkey, the Veggie Avenger puts on a black arm band and reads a funeral mass. Sharon and Cheryl stare wide-eyed.

"Dies irae, dies irae..."

"Dish yourself up a helping of yardbird, son," Lou says. Everyone's plate is heaping with food, while our vegetarian superhero is making due with string beans and cranberry sauce.

"No thanks," the Veggie Avenger answers. "I don't eat my friends, even on holidays."

"Your mother makes a mighty tasty turkey," Uncle Lou persists. "Be polite and give it a try."

"I'd rather be polite to the bird." Our high-strung hero starts the funeral mass again, and begins genuflecting wildly, taking out the salt shaker with his elbow.

"If he's not going to eat the turkey, neither am I!" Sharon suddenly declares.

"Me neither!" shouts Cheryl.

"Now, now, girls," Lou says.

"Just ignore him, dears," Mom adds.

The girls push their plates away and look defiant.

Lou glares at the Veggie Avenger and mutters something about the progeny of unmarried dogs.

Mom glares.

The Veggie Avenger just shrugs. Inside he's beaming. Once again his unconventional tactics have paid off. He's taught his two nieces to think about what they eat and make their own decisions. He's proud, but he has to say something to break the tension.

"Anybody want to phone out for Chinese?"

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